


Something Like Falling

by GooglyMooglies



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-19
Updated: 2013-12-19
Packaged: 2018-01-05 01:55:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1088221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GooglyMooglies/pseuds/GooglyMooglies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s the gasp of breath, the drop before the wire catches you, and then suddenly you’re flying through the air. It’s the way her hair flutters against her temple, the arc of her blades and sharpness of her gaze when she focuses, the softness of it when she doesn’t. He’s helpless against it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something Like Falling

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to interpret Nanaba as cis or trans. I see her as female-identifying and that's all I'm going to say about it.
> 
> Originally posted on my [tumblr](http://yourfatherisahamster.tumblr.com/)

When he first sees her, he doesn’t know she’s a she, but it doesn’t matter ( _how_  could it matter?). It’s as he and Erwin are walking into the mess hall for lunch, past the newly arrived recruits. They’ll be officially inducted that evening, and they’re all milling around the grounds, having been given the rest of the day until the ceremony to get settled.

He is so taken aback he slows, the pace of his gait stuttering as he watches her walk past with two other recruits.

He comes back to himself to find Erwin staring at him, a raised eyebrow and the slightest smirk tugging at his lips.

“Everything alright?”

He blinks, then collects himself, looking away. “It’s nothing.”

And Erwin may not have his nose, but he doesn’t need a fantastic sense of smell to tell Mike is lying.

—

It gets worse, though, because she’s amazing. She’s brilliant with the 3D gear, and Mike is blessed to witness her first kill half a year after she’s joined. It doesn’t make him pause, just then, but later, during dinner he recalls the determination on her face as her blades slice clean through thick flesh, as the stench of the titans curls in his nose, and in the present moment his hand hovers over his fork.

It is Erwin again who calls him back with his name, and the look he receives when he looks up at his friend makes him wonder, not for the first time, if perhaps Erwin is in fact gifted with some sort of psychic power.

—

He learns a few things:

He’s not a loud guy, or as well-spoken as Erwin – he knows this, and he takes a bit longer to formulate his sentences in his mind before letting them pass his lips, but he finds himself nigh unable to speak to her when she is assigned to his team (and right after he’s been promoted to team leader, too) for an exercise. In all things, he is self assured, confident, quiet, but in this, his mind clamors with a hundred thoughts at once. Instead of like before, where he had less he felt he needed to say, it’s as if all the words are trying to escape simultaneously and get caught on his tongue. He only hopes none of them notice the initial break in his voice as he gives her an order, not quite looking at her face as he does so. It’s easy, at least, to use the excuse of watching where he’s going as they fly through the trees. But she simply gives a strong “Understood” in response, expression serious. She has no idea, surely.

He also discovers that Erwin is the worst kind of friend, because the man has figured it out and he is ruthless. It is thanks to him, after all, that Nanaba was assigned to his team for that horrid exercise, and when Mike stares at him, wide-eyed and closed-mouthed, Erwin makes this innocent expression that Mike fantasizes about tossing a glass of water on.

And Nanaba, he discovers, smells clean and bright and sharp up close.

—

He’s progressed to being able to address her directly, and then one day on a practice run another soldier makes some inane comment and he replies, effortless and lazy in his comeback, and Nanaba laughs and Mike nearly hits a tree.

—

Mike hasn’t been sick in years; which is why, this time, he refuses to believe it’s happening until the illness is fully upon him.

Erwin raises an eyebrow at him early one evening as they’re going over a report together after he’s rubbed at his nose one too many times (everything is _dull,_  it’s like the world’s been muted).

“Mike, are you sick?”

Mike blinks at him, then shakes his head, ignoring how it makes him slightly dizzy. “No, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? I’ve never seen you sick before…”

“Who’s sick?” And that makes Mike nearly jump out of his skin, because Hanji has appeared at his side and  _when did she even walk down the hall_. His head swims at the rush of movement.

Erwin, sharp as he is, raises an amused eyebrow. “Alright, that’s it. Go to bed.”

Mike tries to protest (it’s not even five!) but Erwin threatens to make it an order and Mike scowls at him before dragging himself back to his room in the officers’ wing and getting in bed.

He’s drawn out of the sleep he’d fallen into when there’s a knock on the door and it slowly creaks open, a line of light falling across the darkened floor and his bed.

He grumbles, then rolls over and pushes himself up on his elbow, rubbing the gummy sleep out of his eyes. “You make me go to bed, then you come and wake me up? Make up your mind,” he grouses.

“Um… I’m not sure who you think I am, but…”

Mike sits up so fast his head spins, clutching at the blanket and pulling it up over his bare chest in a white knuckled grip, because she’s standing there with a tray and he has  _never been wrong about who was behind a door in his life, this is mortifying._

He stares at her with wide, panicked eyes, trying to force down the rush of dizziness. She frowns lightly, concerned. “I… Squad Leader Erwin said you were sick and requested I bring you dinner?”

He resolves to kill Erwin Smith.

Somehow, he finds his voice. “I’m sorry that you had to go to all this trouble, Squad Leader Erwin shouldn’t have asked you…”

“It’s fine, really, I was—concerned, you’re one of the last people I suspected would get sick,” she says quickly, and he makes a face, shifting to sit up properly.

“I’m not—there is not need for concern, I promise I’m fine,” he assures her. “Thank you for bringing me…” he has to peer at the tray to figure out it’s soup, and that’s just  _embarrassing_ , “dinner, but I’m quite all right. You can… you may return to whatever you were doing before Erwin interrupted you.”

He blinks when he steals another glance at her, because she’s frowning, the slightest of furrows between her eyebrows, and she huffs. “Erwin said you would try to get rid of me and he specifically said I shouldn’t leave until I’ve made sure you’ve eaten.”

Erwin’s death will be slow.

Later he will allow himself to fall to the wonder of being the target of that incredible determination, but for now his head is fuzzy and he still can’t breathe through his nose right and all he can do is blink at her in surprise, and then relent.

“Haven’t been sick in years, this is ridiculous…” he grumbles, and when he glances back at Nanaba, he finds her with an amused, indulgent smile. He looks away quickly, and manages not to jump when she steps forward to hand him the tray.

(He doesn’t notice when he looks away how her gaze drifts down before focusing resolutely back on his face.)

True to her word (and Erwin’s request), she stays until he’s eaten the whole bowl, sniffling throughout. The heat of the liquid makes his nose just a tad runny.

They talk.

It’s the longest conversation they’ve ever had, and Mike’s heart stutters in his chest when he makes her laugh, a soft, light noise as she covers her mouth with one hand. The strange, unusual clamor of his mind quiets, a bit, and when she stands to go, taking the tray from him, he thanks her, and she smiles.

—

His illness lasts another day, and Nanaba brings him lunch.

He swallows a groan, and apologizes for Erwin’s insistence, and is struck dumb when she smiles and tells him Erwin didn’t ask her to this time.

—

When Mike wakes up the next morning and can breathe and  _smell things properly_ , the first thing he does after getting dressed is track Erwin down and corner him against a wall.

His voice is low and tight with mortification as he hisses, “What the hell did you do that for?”

Erwin has that same innocent expression as he calmly states, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“And my sense of smell is back and I smell a  _liar.”_

“So you admit you were sick.”

“Not the point,” he grinds out.

But nothing he says or does quite wipes the innocent-yet-somehow-smug expression off of Erwin’s face, so Mike resolves to get him back somehow eventually and leaves it at that.

—

However, he finds conversing with her much easier, after that.

—

Being promoted in the Scouting Legion is… Well. The positions are rarely vacated due to someone retiring.

—

The next expedition hits them hard.

The death toll is extensive, and included among them is a Squad Leader.

There is an unease in Mike’s gut that he can’t quite place as he considers the possibility that Erwin will recommend him for promotion.

He’s endlessly grateful that he has duty that night, as it gives him the opportunity to wander Headquarters after curfew, searching for someplace where the cloying scent of the funeral pyre hasn’t invaded because his room and the dorms reek of it, it’s in his clothes and his hair and clings to everyone and everything, and it’s one of two stenches he will never get used to, when he rounds a corner and stops.

Nanaba is there, on the floor, legs splayed to one side and clutching at a girl with light brown hair that’s been pulled back into a ponytail –  _Rene,_  he thinks, another member of his team that is exceptional in the use of her 3D gear.

Nanaba is crying.

Suddenly Mike remembers that in addition to the death of a squad leader, the expedition resulted in Nanaba and Rene’s graduating class losing nearly half its numbers.

Rene is crying too, tears slowly dripping down her cheeks, but Nanaba has pressed her face to the front of Rene’s jacket and her shoulders are shaking as Rene runs soothing hands down her back. She’s making soft, choked off sobbing noises that make Mike’s chest feel painful, hollow.

(He is viciously reminded of himself and Erwin following one of their first expeditions.)

He hesitates, unsure, one hand halfway stretched out, lingering in the air before Rene glances up and notices him.

Their eyes meet, and he sees her swallow thickly, her gaze imploring—but what can he possibly do? What does she want from him? She glances from him to Nanaba and back, seemingly unsure herself, before she simply presses her face to Nanaba’s hair and tightens her hold around the other woman’s shoulders.

He can’t—

Mike turns and leaves them to the privacy of the empty hallway. It never even occurs to him to ask them to return to the dorms.

—

The next morning for training exercises, there are few soldiers that don’t carry some degree of haggardness in their expression.

Mike says nothing to her.

—

He’s promoted two weeks later.

Erwin doesn’t congratulate him, he just holds out his hand and shakes Mike’s firmly, a knowing expression on his face.

The desk in the Squad Leaders’ office still smells like the woman he replaced.

He sits there, that night, mind running too fast for him to keep up, when Nanaba pauses in the doorway, as surprised to see him there as he is to see her. They haven’t spoken outside of their roles as Team Leader and soldier since the expedition.

“Team—I mean, Squad Leader Mike.”

He looks up at her, and somehow, the conflict of his mind recedes, lessens.

“I was—I was just passing by, and noticed you were—I’m…”

Perhaps, judging by the expression on her face, she’s regretting having stopped. Things have been strained, for everyone.

Silence stretches, before: “If there’s… ever anything you wish to discuss, please do not hesitate to ask.”

She blinks, makes a face at that, and Mike realizes in the light flush that’s spread across her nose that she must’ve known he was there, that night, or Rene must have told her. Perhaps she was hoping he would forget or never mention it.

He looks away. “My apologies.”

“It’s fine.” She is staring hard at the desk ( _his_ desk, he should start to think of it as such), her mouth a bitter frown. “I just—didn’t realize. How quickly it could happen.”

He watches her carefully, cautious. “Erwin and I…” he begins, then shifts in his chair. “Of everyone who joined the Survey Corps our year, we’re the only ones left.” 

She flinches, jerking to look up at him with a stricken expression.

He looks away, so he doesn’t see the way her expression softens, barely, then hardens with resolve. “I think you’re going to make a great Squad Leader, sir.”

There is no sense of congratulations in her voice, and for that he is eternally grateful.

He thanks her quietly, nodding once at her, and she returns it, then she is gone.

—

He muddles over the decision in regards to his personal squad for a long time.

Each squad leader is given a personal squad who they directly oversee in addition to their duties to the Survey Corps as squad leader in general. Hand-selected elite soldiers, generally.

The former squad leader left behind three members of her squad, the forth meeting his end with her, so it is no question that Mike ask them to continue their service under him. They all agree readily, eyes determined and unafraid when he approaches them.

And it is a little fulfilling, at least, to hear “I’m glad you got the position, sir. She definitely would’ve approved, I think.”

The matter of the fourth member of his squad, however…

He considers it. He really, truly does.

It’s not a matter of keeping her safe. There’s no such thing. There is only the combination of your own skill and luck that lets you survive. Her ability to work as a part of a team is flawless, she follows orders well, her record for titan kills grows steadily with each expedition.

And yet…

In the end, he selects a young man named Jackson, two years above her, and says nothing to her.

—

It will not be a decision he regrets.

—

Five months later Erwin adds her to his own personal squad.

—

A year passes.

Wall Maria falls.

—

The days following the appearance of the Collosal Titan and the Armored Titan are a living hell. They had just returned from an expedition, after all, drained both emotionally and physically, and yet there is no rest for the weary.

Mike can only breathe out a silent prayer as he and Erwin split up, Levi already into the fray, Hanji not far behind.

If they survive this, he reckons she’ll finally make Squad Leader.

Their numbers are devastated. The Garrison, of course, suffers a horrific blow, as well, but…  _Well,_  Mike thinks bitterly.  _When you have three hundred soldiers to begin with in the first place, as compared to ten thousand…_

They make do with an old camp that used to be used to train new recruits as their temporary headquarters.

The relief he feels as he sees each face he knows is overwhelming. Each face he doesn’t see is like a blow. Finding Erwin, standing there in the yard with Levi and Hanji, makes his knees go weak, and he has to put one hand against the wall to remain upright.

Judging by the look on Erwin’s face and the sudden break in tension in his shoulders, he feels much the same.

Hanji moves forward and embraces him, and if he lets her support him a little more than may be strictly necessary, well, that’s their secret.

—

He’s unable to help himself. When he hears his name and turns, finding her standing there, relief written across her face, he barely gives himself a moment of wide-eyed relief and hesitation before he reaches out, grasping her by the cloak and pulling her against him, arms going around her shoulders. She is still for just a moment before she returns his embrace.

It lasts another moment before Mike comes to his senses, withdrawing with a low apology.

“Don’t be,” she says. “I’m—I’m so glad you’re okay.”

—

It turns out Erwin’s injured his knee, and so, being short on doctors as they are, Mike stops by one evening to help wrap it. Levi is leaving as he arrives, and simply gives Mike a short nod, which Mike returns.

Mike helps Erwin sit up and gets him into a chair, rolling up the leg of the loose pants he’s wearing, and then Mike kneels before him and sets about refreshing the bandage.

“I think Keith is going to step down.”

Mike’s hands pause, and he looks up at Erwin. There is a quality to the man’s gaze that makes Mike’s heart beat faster, expectantly.

“He’s told me he’s going to recommend me to take command.”

Mike breathes in, then out, his gaze unwavering.

It’s the culmination of what they’d set out to do.

“Alright.”

Erwin’s expression shifts, subtly, and Mike gives him something of an admonishing look. “Erwin. You have me. I’m with you. Always.”

“Mike…” But even as he breathes out his name, there’s a fierceness about Erwin’s eyes, proud and powerful.

Mike sets down the bandage, shifts, and on his knees, he salutes Erwin, fist over his heart.

That draws the grin to Erwin’s lips, a sense of  _knowledge_  in his gaze.

Finally, the moment passes.

“At ease,” Erwin murmurs, and Mike bows his head and returns to his task.

“I’m going to give Levi a… promotion, of sorts, I think. Special rank. Captain. With his own special operations squad.”

“Alright.”

Erwin’s gaze is questioning, again, but Mike meets it evenly. “That’s what you were telling him, before I got here.”

Erwin smiles. “I should’ve known better than to doubt you, I suppose.”

“Hmm.”

Mike is nearly finished when his hands go still, head coming up to glance over his shoulder, sensing someone walking down the hall. He breathes in, and his eyes go wide. Erwin frowns, makes a questioning noise, when there’s a knock on the door.

“Come in.”

“Squad Leader Erwin, I—”

Mike catches Erwin’s glance, amused as ever ( _bastard_ ) before he composes his expression and looks back at Nanaba, who has paused in the doorway, a sheaf of papers in her hands.

“Oh, Squad Leader Mike.”

“Are those the documents I asked for, Nanaba? Thank you very much.”

She steps forward, and Mike catches the way her eyes dart over the two of them as he finishes, then stands.

A beat passes, all three of them looking at each other, then Nanaba remembers herself and hastily takes another step forward, handing the papers to Erwin. Erwin thanks her again, and she nods, and then with one more “Sir” she is out the door.

Mike tries very hard not to look at Erwin until he has to, and finds the man staring at him.

“ _Go.”_  He nods with his head towards the door meaningfully.

Mike takes the time to glare at Erwin before he does so, straightening his jacket before stepping out the door and closing it behind him.

Nanaba is a mere twenty paces ahead, and at the sound of his footfalls, she pauses, looking back over her shoulder.

She waits for him to catch up before moving forward again.

“Mike, you and Squad Leader Erwin are… good friends, yes?”

He nods.

She makes a considering noise, and they walk in silence for a moment, then: “Sir, when—When Squad Leader Erwin is made Commander, please add me to your personal squad.”

He blinks, stopping to look at her with wide eyes. “How…”

“With all due respect, sir, Commander Keith… after the last expedition, and then…” She looks up at him, determined, and it still leaves him breathless. “I’ve been on Erwin’s team for the past year, I know what he’s capable of, what he can do. We all do. And… And I know that you will be looking to replace—” her voice stutters over the word “—Amelia, and Jackson. And I know what roles they both filled, and I think—”

“Nanaba.”

She stops, her gaze still unwavering.

“Alright.”

Her shoulders drop slightly, and she blinks once, then nods. “Alright. Thank you.”

—

Six months later, Erwin is Commander. Levi is given his special promotion, and Hanji is made Squad Leader. She grumbles at Mike when he steals Nanaba from under her nose to be on his personal squad.

—

The command to send two hundred and fifty thousand men and women to reclaim Wall Maria is given.

The night that a mere one hundred people return with dead eyes, Erwin sits with Mike, Levi, and Hanji. They say nothing for over an hour, and finally Erwin stands and retires to his room.

They are all burdened under the weight of what’s been done.

—

He retires early, but he can’t sleep, and he retreats to the Squad Leaders’ office because there’s a bottle of vine there in his desk. And yet, he can’t bring himself to open it.

He puts a hand to his eyes and tries to stop his shoulders from shaking.

Perhaps it is for this reason he doesn’t sense her until she is already standing in the doorway.

“Squad Leader…?”

At the first noise she makes, he jerks up, sitting back in his seat and blinking at her with wide, red-rimmed eyes, and she makes a noise that sounds like a heart breaking.

“Mike…” she breathes, hesitating for a moment before she’s at his side, on one knee, one hand on the armrest of his chair and the other on his.

He looks at her, and feels lost.

Then she is grasping for his shoulders, pulling him forward as she wraps her arms around him, holding him for a moment before she pulls back and then she’s reaching for his face and he panics, scrambling to keep her hands away and failing.

“Don’t—” he chokes out. He’s her Squad Leader, it’s a grave he dug for himself, he couldn’t—

“Don’t tell me ‘don’t,’ you stupid man, I  _know_ —” and she’s got her hands on his jaw and she leans in and kisses him and he is forever lost to her.

He tries, anyways, even as he returns her kiss before pulling away. She won’t let him go far, pressing her forehead to his.

“I’m—your Squad Leader, I shouldn’t—This is—”

“There aren’t any rules, you  _know_  that, and you still never—”

“I couldn’t, in good conscience, ask—”

“So  _I’m_ asking, Mike,  _please_.”

And as ever, her unfailing determination wins out. He is helpless in the face of it.

—

He walks with her back to the dorms, and before they part, he leans down, cupping her cheek with one hand, his other braced against the wall, and revels in the way she rises to meet him, careful and sure.

She gives his hand one last squeeze, then she is gone.

When he turns around, he blinks to find Levi there, leaning against the wall, watching him with a raised eyebrow. He hadn’t even detected the man’s meticulously clean, cool scent, though now that he breathes in, it’s obviously there in the air.

Mike says nothing, meeting his gaze evenly.

“In any case,” Levi finally says, turning away, “Erwin will be pleased to hear it.”

—

Four years later, Mike stands on a rooftop, the stench of titans curling in his nose. When he looks back at her, on her knees, eyes bleak, for the first time in a long while, true fear curls in his gut.

He pushes it down.

“Well then… Let’s fight.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry I ended it that way I'm trash I'm sorry


End file.
